Adding Pronouns to the README.md

[MylesBorins]

Hey @nodejs/collaborators

A while back a bunch of us decided to start including our pronouns in the README.md. I wanted to take a quick opportunity to remind folks of this and encourage them to PR their pronouns if they are up for it.

Not only is it a quick and easy PR, but knowing pronouns can improve communication. Even if you are on the fence about it, including your pronoun shows solidarity and support pf other collaborators to whom this is very important to.

[lance]

@MylesBorins I have noticed this effort for a while now. I am definitely for solidarity and inclusiveness, so I hope my comments are taken with that in mind. And of course, this is simply my perspective.

I am not against adding pronouns to my name on the README.md. But for some reason, I personally feel odd about it. Not uncomfortable, exactly. Just that the solidarity seems forced, perhaps? Not forced upon me , but more like a badly written novel.

Back in the day when I did the whole liberal arts thing, my writing professors would teach "don't say, instead show". The README approach seem as poorly written exposition. This is how the he/him she/her they/them attributions feel to me. As I write this, I see how squishy and touchy feely this point is. How can my PWM "literary distaste" even come close to the difficulties, oppression, and potential pain that my LGBT friends experience regularly? I can't. In any case, for whatever reason, I have not submitted that PR yet.

What I have done is think hard about the way I communicate with others online, defer to people in working groups who may have a different perspective than my privileged white male point of view, and generally try to be sensitive to what others may be perceiving from my actions. These are acts that indicate solidarity, which always matter more than words.

However, words are a signal to those who may not have seen or experienced those presumably good acts of mine. I understand that. So, as a compromise (and perhaps of slightly more literary value [hahah]), I have modified my GitHub bio to be written in the third person, so that my gender pronoun is clear.

He writes software, cooks food, exercises, takes pictures, grows things. Red Hat.

(I could probably improve that bio, too... but that's another point altogether)

Perhaps for others on the contributors list, this could be yet another way (or an alternative) to express solidarity.

P.S. This is hard for me to write, simply out of fear of backlash. And because I grew up among country folk who can't imagine not being nice (if false about it), there is an ingrained sense within me not to offend. I know how the internets can be, so I ask you (all) to understand that I am solidly with the LGBT community, have many friends in that community whom I love and are very close to me. And heck, if you're industrious enough, you should be able to find pictures of me online wearing dresses with sequins. My means of expression for that support may simply be a little different than what the hive mind's is (language nitpicks and cross dressing, I guess :).

[benjamingr]

@lance thank you for writing this out. I also feel awkward about adding a pronoun in. Also while I identify as male, I see some value in new people using them when referring to me anyway - since Node is majorly male now anyway (15 / 3 in the TSC for example) and I feel like 'he' everywhere encourages male focused interaction.

I also acknowledge that there are a few factors that make this "weird" for me:

• Being a white cis male who never had to struggle with identity online.
• Being a member of several minority groups that are generally not discriminated against.
• Being an ESL (English as second language) and from a place with different language rules.

Some things that made it "click" for me though:

• Working with some LGBTQ friends and seeing their (very real and very scary) struggles online, the disrespect they put up with and the way people think they can comment on their sexuality as if it's their business. Honestly I was a little shocked when I saw what minorities put up with.
• Realising that some people online genuinely have a problem with people self identifying for some odd reason. That discrimination is very real and very painful and that the only reason I'm not discriminated against is pure luck and being "born right".
• Seeing that when people are encouraged to participate without all the prejudice, FUD and hate - there is both a positive technical outcome and positive people outcome.

So I didn't really "get" the (she/her) vs (he/him) from a project organisation PoV since I'd personally prefer we just use them everywhere - but then when I saw just how much bullshit people put up with I totally see the value in Node.js encouraging people to write their pronouns down in a show of support. Effectively saying out loud "we accept you and respect you for who you are - regardless of gender or other stuff".

In a perfect world - people would not be discriminated against and the pronouns would just be noise.

Also, your last paragraph sounds very defensive to me, I hope we can create an environment where you feel safe expressing yourself. Acceptance and inclusivity aren't values the project "picks" it's things that the project can hope to grow and encourage with time.

[lance]

@benjamingr thanks for the thoughtful response. The last paragraph was added due to stuff I have seen mostly on twitter or reddit - certainly not here. I just wanted to be clear that this is not coming from animus (and maybe to give me a reason to talk about me wearing a dress - LOL). In any case, appreciate your feedback.

[sebdeckers]

🤔

• Implied (?) public support for LGBT is legally, if not professionally, perilous in many areas of the world. Friction for potential collaborators.
• By signalling the importance of these pronouns, ironically, those who omit them could be ostracised. Community fragmentation.
• Questionable why pronouns should be listed over other data that could improve communications, like preferred language(s), time zones, or alternative communications channels.
• Many things are "very important to" such a large group of collaborators. Doesn't mean this project is the right platform for those causes.

[refack]

I would like to ask that this thread be closed. I would much rather prefer that we keep politics out of this forums, even if it's a cause I personally agree with.

From my POV when a leader of the community is encourageing participants to act politicaly, it doesn't feel write to me.
Ref: https://github.com/nodejs/admin/blob/master/MemberExpectations.md

[MylesBorins]

The first line of our code of conduct under our standard is

Using welcoming and inclusive language

Including pronouns is in support of this

The second line is

Being respectful of differing viewpoints and experiences

I never shamed those who chose not to, simply encouraged individuals to consider doing it

The third line is

Gracefully accepting constructive criticism

As such I am willing to close this issue of others chime in that this is not appropriate.

The fourth line is

Focusing on what is best for the community

This was the entire intent

The last line of the section is

Showing empathy towards other community members

For some individuals being explicit about pronouns is not simply politics, and I think dismissing it as such is not particularly empathetic

[benjamingr]

I would much rather prefer that we keep politics out of this forums

Referring to people the way they choose is the least political stance Node.js can take. Doing anything other than making people feel welcome is just a bad technical choice.

Alienating people who are not male is also very much a political stance. The fact pronouns are a big deal to some members and it's not a lot of work means we should just do it and not alienate them.

The fact pronouns are a big deal to others doesn't mean they have to be a big deal to you. That's fine - if it's not a big deal to you then I don't see why you'd have an issue with the project supporting it.

[addaleax]

So, as somebody who is more or less directly affected by this (as you probably know)…

First of all, I’d like to say that it’s much more important to me that we do not require people to disclose personal information that they do not wish to disclose – including both name and pronouns – than what exactly we list in our readme. If people feel pressured to provide personal information, that’s a bad thing by itself.

@lance Thank you for your comment – I appreciate the amount of thought and care that went into it.

I don’t know if you’ve looked at it from this angle, but providing pronouns explicitly somewhere is not just something that shows support – it’s more specific than that, in that it helps normalize a specific pattern of introducing oneself. By providing pronouns, you’re not just saying “I accept trans people”, you’re also saying “I’ll do something they do (and often have to), so that it seems like less of a weird thing to do”.

You can choose not to do that, and I don’t know of anybody around here who’d hold it against you. Just be aware that a lot of your being-in-a-position-to-do-so is due to people assuming open source programmers to be male by default and referring to them as such, and that awkwardness around adding your pronouns might relate to that fact in one way or another.

Finally, since it was brought up: I’m not sure it’s worth listing preferred languages per-person, but it might be a good idea to provide languages that people can use in the readme and/or the github issue template – I know we’ve had a few instances of collaborators translating from and to other languages (in particular Mandarin), and I think that’s absolutely awesome.

[lance]

I spent a while chatting with a friend about this, and thinking about his advice as well as the very thoughtful comments from @addaleax @MylesBorins and @benjamingr. Especially these words from @addaleax.

By providing pronouns, you’re not just saying “I accept trans people”, you’re also saying “I’ll do something they do (and often have to), so that it seems like less of a weird thing to do”.

and

You can choose not to do that, and I don’t know of anybody around here who’d hold it against you. Just be aware that a lot of your being-in-a-position-to-do-so is due to people assuming open source programmers to be male by default and referring to them as such, and that awkwardness around adding your pronouns might relate to that fact in one way or another.

Therefore: #21818

🙏

[addaleax]

There has been no comment here for more than a week, so I’m going ahead and closing this. Cheers!